Live and In Color
by adangeli
Summary: This is the story of Josh and Donna exploring their feelings for one another. They've been set up to fail in this one. Sometimes love just isn't enough.
1. Deathly

**_This series is the story of Josh and Donna exploring their feelings for one another. They've been set up to fail in this one. It's purely indulgent on my part because I'm a firm believer in the concept of "sometimes love just isn't enough". The entire series is based on the Aimee Mann album "Live at St. Ann's Warehouse". If you don't know Aimee Mann or if you don't know the songs, I'd encourage you to buy the album, download the songs from iTunes or something because I think you won't get the full feel of the stories without the music in the background. None of the stories are long, they're written to be read within the timeframe of the song. I feel a very powerful connection to Aimee and her music which is probably why my versions of Josh and Donna do too. I hope you all enjoy this series as much as I've enjoyed developing it!_**

* * *

My feelings for Josh have a way of being all encompassing. It started out pretty benign, really, though I always had a bit of a crush on him. But in light of our lives as they have been this past year following the shooting, I'd have to say that things have really gotten out of hand. When he woke up in the hospital it was like we were meeting all over again. So much had changed; neither of us remained the same. This new Josh has such an amazing power over this new Donna – he can make her feel like her life's a Ferris wheel and her heart is caught up there in the top car.

I'm desperately in love with and infatuated by Josh. It's almost painful the way I feel when I see him or hear his voice. It can't be good.

I don't know if I'm strong enough to love him. Loving him, really loving him with him loving me back would almost surely be disastrous. Loving someone is supposed to feel good. Being in a relationship with someone is supposed to feel safe and supportive. But being in love with Josh is painful. And I think a relationship with him could only feel stormy and rough.

He has this habit of flirting with me. It's not just with me – it's with all women. But I'm so susceptible. I can't differentiate between what is real and what is pretend when it comes to him. I find myself seeking him out.

For whatever reason I feel like I'm this time bomb, just waiting to ruin his life. If I were to let something happen between the two of us, he'd be the one who'd reap the worst of the repercussions. He'd be the one who'd have to smash the whole thing to pieces. But I'd be the one that would have to pick those pieces back up and glue us back together. But I don't know if I could do it and get all the pieces back where they belong.

It's hard though. It really is. He's the most charming, sexiest, beautiful man I've ever known. He's also infuriating. He's also egotistical. He's also a lot of other undesirable things. But, I'm so far gone that I don't even care anymore.

Eventually though, even if we did get together, the whole thing would fall apart. I know he feels a certain sense of loyalty to me, as I do to him. And when he is through with me, will he be able to set me aside?

So maybe it's best that this whole thing is an abstract idea. Maybe it's best if he doesn't try to entice me. And maybe it's best if he hides those little parts of his personality that makes him so irresistible to me.

But I suspect that it could get worse. I suspect that the effect he has on me is just him in his natural state. I can't imagine what it would be like to have him turn that charm on at me. To flirt with me on purpose. To try to make me fall for him.

As much as I hate to lay this on him, he has to be the strong one. He's got to stop it or start it and hold it together. Because I'm just going to be a mess.

Nope. No way am I going to be able to handle this. If we don't get together I'm going to explode from the wanting of it. If we do get together I'm going to implode beneath the weight of it. Either way it's deathly. Definitely.

_

* * *

_

Lyrics:

_Deathly_

_By: Aimee Mann_

_Now that I've met you  
Would you object to  
Never seeing each other again  
Cause I can't afford to  
Climb aboard you  
No one's got that much ego to spend_

_So don't work your stuff  
Because I've got troubles enough  
No, don't pick on me  
When one act of kindness could be  
Deathly  
Deathly  
Definitely_

_Cause I'm just a problem  
For you to solve and  
Watch dissolve in the heat of your charm  
But what will you do when  
You run it through and  
You can't get me back on the farm_

_  
So don't work your stuff  
Because I've got troubles enough  
No, don't pick on me  
When one act of kindness could be  
Deathly  
Deathly_

_Deathly  
Definitely_

You're on your honor  
Cause I'm a goner  
And you haven't even begun  
So do me a favor  
If I should waver  
Be my savior  
And get out the gun

_  
Just don't work your stuff  
Because I've got troubles enough  
No, don't pick on me  
When one act of kindness could be  
Deathly  
Deathly  
Definitely_


	2. The Moth

Contrary to popular opinion, I'm not an idiot. I see the way she looks at me. And I may be all of the things my past girlfriends have called me, but I still know what it looks like when a woman has a crush on me. I've seen all the signs with Donna for a long time. I've seen other things too – things I don't really care to elaborate on. Things that would make this whole thing far too difficult. Things I should nip in the bud now. She sees it, she knows it's there. I know she's worried about it. I can see that in the way she looks at me too.

She's not an idiot either. She knows that this thing could burn us. She knows that it's a bad idea. But she's always been an "in for a penny, in for a pound" kind of girl. It's one of the things that draws me to her. She sees something she wants and she goes after it. It doesn't matter how hard it is or how much work it's going to take. If she wants it, she's going to get it.

It doesn't matter that it's a bad idea. It doesn't matter that even with the best of intentions it will end badly. It doesn't matter that I can't give her what she needs. If she wants it, she goes after it. And it's no small secret that she wants me. Whatever that really means.

It doesn't matter if it's the real deal – not anymore. This thing has been going on for so long I think we've both lost sight of what's real and what's make believe. What's good for us and what's not. What's hard and what's too hard. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

But see, it's a street that runs both ways. I enjoy having her flit around me. I need her and she needs me and somehow I've allowed her to turn that codependency into something she feels is real.

I know I'm a massive flirt. I know, even though I try not to, that I turn that to her a lot. And besides, nothing fuels a good flirtation like anger, need and desperation…right? In the end it really doesn't matter if it's real or not. It's strong, it's vital and it's right now.

So maybe it really doesn't matter if it's real. And maybe it doesn't mater if we are ready or if we aren't ready and maybe there's no such thing as ready anyway. Because this thing we have is hotter than hot. It's amazingly explosive. And what if we could use that explosion to find some release? And what if it's only a matter of time and we're going to explode anyway?

And maybe it doesn't matter if after the explosion things die down a little. Maybe it's real enough to withstand that. It's not going to die completely. It can't. It's me and Donna. And maybe this time love will be enough.

So, let's go. Ready or not. Let's jump into this thing full force. Because the ship is going to sink. And if I'm going down, as much as I hate to admit it, I want to take Donna with me. If this thing is going to go to pieces, I couldn't stand being at the bottom without her. I should want more for her than that. But a moth really doesn't care when it sees a flame. It might get burned, but it least it got in the game.

Right?

_

* * *

_

The Lyrics:

_The Moth_

_By Aimee Mann_

_The moth don't care when he sees the flame  
he might get burned but he's in the game  
and once he's in he can't go back, and  
beat his wings 'til he burns them black  
no the moth don't care when he sees the flame  
no the moth don't care when he sees the flame_

the moth don't care if the flame is real  
cuz flame and moth got a sweetheart deal  
and nothing fuels a good flirtation  
like need and anger and desperation  
no the moth don't care if the flame is real  
no the moth don't care if the flame is real

_So come on let's go ready or not  
cuz there's a flame I know hotter than hot  
and with a fuse that's so thoroughly shot  
away_

the moth don't care if the flame burns low  
cuz moth believes in an afterglow  
and flames are never doused completely  
all you really need is a love of heat  
no, the moth don't care if the flame burns low  
no, the moth don't care if the flame burns low

So come on let's go ready or not  
cuz there's a flame I know hotter than hot  
and with a fuse that's so thoroughly shot  
away


	3. Save Me

He's thinking about it. Really, really thinking about it. He's mulling it over, trying to figure out what's going to work and what isn't going to work and how he can head off the problems. The thing is, that it doesn't matter what's going to work and what isn't. We fit. And I need him. Whether or not we're going to make it or crash and burn, I need him.

He can save me from that if he really wants to. He could save me. He could deliver me from this hopeless string of men who want me for my body and don't really care about me. Because even if it's not going to work, I know he cares about me. The trouble with the guys I date is that they're so jaded that they think it's not possible for them to love anyone anymore.

Of course, I've felt that way before. I think, to some extent I still feel that way. That's why I don't really trust my feelings for Josh. I vacillate between knowing that he's the one for me and being so fucking scared that I'm making something out of nothing in my head.

He knows what it's like. Whether he says so or not, he's worried about the same thing. It's hard, at this junction, to really pinpoint what's real, and I know he's struggling with it too. He stops himself before I do, though.

He can save me that way. If it's not as bad in his head as it is in mine, he can save me. He can save me from the feeling like I can never anyone.

But in the process of saving me he's ruining me. If I truly do love him now, I'll never love anyone again. I can't go through this again and I can't feel this again.

So, if he could just save me from all of this. If he could just love me, let me love him and then teach me how to hold on to it, he could save me. He really could save me from life and love as I know it. He could teach me that I'm capable of loving. He could save me if he could teach me.

I think first he's going to have to save himself.

* * *

_Lyrics:_

_Save Me – Aimee Mann_

_You look like - a perfect fit  
For a girl in need of a tourniquet_

_But can you - save me  
Come on and - save me  
If you could - save me  
From the ranks of the freaks  
Who suspect they could never love anyone_

_'Cause I can tell  
You know what it's like  
The long farewell  
Of the hunger strike_

_But can you save me  
Come on and save me  
If you could save me  
From the ranks of the freaks  
Who suspect they could never love anyone_

_You struck me dumb like radium  
Like peter pan or superman_

_You will come to save me  
C'mon and save me  
If you could save me  
From the ranks of the freaks  
Who suspect they could never love anyone  
'cept the freaks  
Who suspect they could never love anyone  
But the freaks  
Who suspect they could never love anyone_

_C'mon and save me  
Why don't you save me  
If you could save me  
From the ranks of the freaks  
Who suspect they could never love anyone_

Except the freaks  
Who suspect they could never love anyone  
Except the freaks who could never love anyone


	4. Pavlov's Bell

The knock on my door seems ominous because I know it's her. I open it anyway, glass of scotch in my hand. "Thanks for coming." She doesn't bother to smile, just hands me her coat and steps past me.

"Well, we need to talk, right?" She spies another glass of scotch on the coffee table – this one on ice, now slightly watered down – the way she likes it. She picks it up and knocks it back as she circumnavigates the low table to sit on the couch.

I can't help but smirk at her a little for that and she merely shrugs at me in response. "Yeah, we do need to talk." I sit down on the opposite end of the couch knowing that a little space between us is a good thing. It's highly possible that at some point during this conversation she's going to want to slap me. "Would you like another drink?"

"Yes, please." I pour her another two fingers and she swirls it around in her glass to chill it. This drink isn't so watered down but she downs with just as much finesse as she did the first. This time she just picks up the bottle to refill her own. Oh, this should be all kinds of fun.

I decide to jump in feet first. At this point, what do we have to lose? "So what exactly do you want out of this?"

"Beg pardon?" She asks, coughing slightly.

"What would you want out of me, Donna? Are you looking for a relationship or just sex?"

Now she does cough. Then takes a long pull off her third drink. "Can we back this up a little?"

"We both know why were here tonight. It's gotten harder and harder to work around the sexual tension. We've only got so many options. I thought we were both ready to discuss the possibilities of being together."

"_Are_ you ready to discuss the possibility of being together? I mean really ready?" She looks as me as if I don't know what I'm getting into.

"Yeah, I am. It's no small secret that we're attracted to each other."

"But we're both aware of the risks." She studies the dark liquid in her glass and clinks the ice cubes a few times. "And we both know how terribly wrong something like this could go."

"We're so close to terribly wrong already, Donna. We're a couple of cross comments away from telling each other to fuck off and running. But we might be able to make it work."

"We could definitely make it work." She smiles at me. "At least for a little while. You know, and then we'll tell each other to fuck off and run." Her laughter, though melodious, is humorless.

"Do you think it's going to come to that?"

"Don't you?"

"I guess so." I'm resigned to it, but I was always taught that honesty is the best policy. Especially when lies can cost so damn much. "But in the mean time?"

"Do you want the mean time? Is that enough?"

"That depends on what you want."

"I want you." It sounds simple when she says it like that. It's not that simple. And it's not something we talk about. Hell, everything we've said tonight are things we don't talk about. We're not supposed to and we can't. But here we sit, discussing it calmly as if it's not one of the most important decisions either of us has made.

"I want you too. All of you. More than anything I want to make us work." I hate how desperate I sound, but she's become part of me. The real part of me.

"So now what?"

"So now we don't talk about it anymore." It's important to me that she know that this is something that we can't and won't talk about. "This is something we just do."

"Just something we do." She repeats this a little stupidly.

"Just something we do." I smile at her a little. "The feelings are just Pavlov's bell anyway."

_

* * *

_

Pavlov's Bell – Aimee Mann

_Oh Mario, sit here by the window  
Stay here till we reach Idaho  
And when we go, hold my hand on take off  
Tell me what I already know  
That we can't talk about it  
No, we can't talk about it_

Because nobody knows that's how I nearly fell  
Trading clothes and ringing Pavlov's bell  
History shows there's not a chance in hell

But, oh, Mario, we're only to Ohio  
It's kind of getting harder to breathe  
I won't let it show, I'm all about denial  
But can't deny all that need belief  
That we could talk about it  
But we can't talk about it

_Because nobody knows that's how I nearly fell  
Trading clothes and ringing Pavlov's bell  
History shows, but rarely shows it well  
Well well well_

Oh Mario, why if this is nothing  
I'm finding it so hard to dismiss  
If you're what I need then only you can save me  
So come on baby give me the fix  
And let's just talk about it  
I've got to talk about it

Because nobody knows that's how I nearly fell  
Trading clothes and ringing Pavlov's bell  
History shows, like it will show and tell  
So tell me

That's how I nearly fell  
By ringing Pavlov's bell  
So baby show and tell

Oh Mario, Mario


	5. Going Through the Motions

It's been two weeks of this. Well, it's really been a couple of years of this on again off again irrational fear of being alive. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, they call it. He's been jumping at every moderately loud noise for two weeks now. He tries to play it off. He thinks, I think, that if he pretends I don't see it then I really don't.

But, I know it's coming. Every time I close a car door, one time when I smacked a jar of pickles on the counter to break the seal, every time I drop a stack of files on my desk, every time I scream his name when I come, I know it's coming. The flinch, then the automatic smile like it didn't happen, or like it didn't mean anything.

It's almost like a prison. He's two different people. He's this strong guy, this over the top cocky guy. But then he's the little boy that can't help but jump when the door slams. It's started to affect me too, because in retaliation against his mind he's started slamming doors and hitting walls and smashing glasses, because those are sounds he can control. Those are things he can control. But when a glass smashes against the wall four feet from my head, I really can't help but jump.

I'll give him this – he is going through the motions. He's seeing Stanley again. He's making a conscious effort not to jump when loud noises happen. But he's not trying to stop lashing out. I think the lashing out is the only thing that feels real for him any more.

Each day without the fear is cause for celebration. I'm going to throw a freaking parade the day he decides he doesn't need to launch glassware in my general direction. But, when we, our friends and I, stop fawning over him, something dark happens. He jumps when I drop my hair brush, or throw lipstick back into a drawer. He jumps at everything.

I'm afraid that he's not going to get better. I'm afraid that we are part of the problem. We started a bad precedent by treating this like a goal to overcome. Now he seeks that approval, that praise.

But, in the end when I count all the times it has happened over the past few weeks I realize that he really is just going through the motions. It's not getting any better. I'm not any better for him. And this thing we have together isn't better – it's just different.

_

* * *

_

Going Through the Motions – Aimee Mann

_Something isn't right  
I don't know how I know  
But baby, it's despite  
Your dog-and-pony show_

I can hear it coming  
You're only going through the motions, baby  
With your engines humming  
You're just going through the motions, baby

Feel like I'm in jail  
With you and Mr. Hyde  
A guy who leaves a trail  
About a mile wide

So it starts already  
That you're just going through the motions, baby  
You can throw confetti  
But you're still going through the motions, baby  
Going through the motions, baby

_They'll have a big parade  
For every day that you stay clean  
But when the trumpets fade  
You'll go under like a submarine  
And you won't see it coming  
No, you won't see it coming_

You could have it made  
Up there in San Rafael  
But baby, I'm afraid  
I'll never see you well

Because I've seen the tally  
And you're just going through the motions, baby  
To a big finale  
That comes from going through the motions, baby  
Going through the motions, baby  
Going through the motions, baby  
You're just going through the motions, baby


	6. Wise Up

It's been a hell of a fight tonight, I'll give her that. I've had reservations all along. I knew from the beginning that this thing wasn't going to be what she thought it was going to be. See, I'm broken and I know it and she's a compulsive fixer. The trouble is I don't want to be fixed. But she got what she wanted and now she hates me for it.

I don't think I ever made it clear to her exactly how much I love her. She's vital to my existence. Here lately I haven't made it a priority to show her I love her. Unless you count launching a scotch glass at her a few nights ago. I missed her by four feet or so. But the trouble is, I intended to hit her with it. And I would have had I not been so drunk.

Even as mad at her as I've been, as mad as she's insisted on making me, she doesn't deserve that. More than that, I deserve to be alone. This way that I am now, I deserve to be alone. But, being this way that I am now, I can't end it. It's got to be her because I'm just not strong enough. And damn it, I really do love her.

*******

I know he thinks that drinking himself into oblivion is going to make him feel better. He's told me that after a few drinks it all starts to go away. But it's beginning to take more and more fingers of scotch to get him out of his head. Tonight I managed to catch him after half of his first glass and I tore into him like my survival depended on it. And, thinking back to the glass smashing incident, I guess it does.

Finally, after a lot of yelling the wind falls out of my sails. I make a final plea. "You think that it's helping, but it's not Josh. The drinking might take away the stress of the moment, but it always comes back. And that, that's not going to stop until you wise up." I pause and look at him, this is important and I'm trying to drive my point home because I'm lost without him, I love him so much.

"Figure out what it is that you need. Think about it long and hard. Make a list. Find out whether or not I'm on it." This chokes me up. "Because if I'm not. I mean, if I'm really not, if I'm making things worse for you – you have to tell me." I can't stop the tears that roll down my face and he looks hurt and scared and that makes me cry harder. "And, when you find out what it is, whatever it is we'll make it happen – together."

I have this fear I don't share with him. I fear that it's not going to stop, no matter what. But I'll do my best to help even if it means I have to leave. He has to wise up. Because…because if he doesn't I fear that he'll just give up.

_

* * *

_

Lyrics:

_Wise Up – Aimee Mann_

_It's not what you thought  
When you first began it  
You got what you want  
Now you can hardly stand it though  
By now you know it's not  
Going to stop  
It's not going to stop  
It's not going to stop  
'til you wise up_

You're sure there's a cure  
And you have finally found it  
You think one drink  
Will shrink you 'til  
You're underground and living down  
But it's not going to stop  
It's not going to stop  
It's not going to stop  
'til you wise up

_  
Prepare a list of what you need  
Before you sign away the deed  
'couse it's not going to stop  
It's not going to stop  
It's not going to stop  
'til you wise up_

No it's not going to stop

'_til you wise up  
Now it's not going to stop  
So just give up_


	7. That's Just What You Are

"Damn it all to hell, Joshua Lyman, but I'm not going to live like this anymore. You're going to sit there and listen to me because I'm only saying this one time. For whatever reason, we're not tuned into each other anymore. We don't see eye to eye on anything and it's starting to get dangerous." His eyebrows shoot up at this. "Oh no you don't. Don't pretend that you think I think it's okay that you're abusing the hell out of the both of us."

I take a deep breath. "There's not much left of this anymore. We could cut our losses and just say good bye, right now. You keep telling me that it's my turn to decide what's next but for the life of me I can't figure it out. Petty answers don't get you off the hook for answering the question. They just piss me off more and more until I'm not here and I'm not willing to help anymore."

"There's no use changing, Donna. This is just what we are." He finally speaks.

"Like hell. This might be who you are, but this isn't who I am. Who I am is the person who's been here through all of it. I was here through your recovery and I'm here through the PTSD that has the beautiful side effect of the drinking. Which has, if you'll recall, on several occasions endangered my well being."

"Oh, fuck off, Donna. I'm not going to hurt you!"

"Really?" I fix him with a pointed stare and he merely shrugs in response. "There are things you can do Josh. There are things that will make the rage go away, things that will take the danger away. And I'm sorry if you're offended, but you've got to be nicer. It's not like you're going to lose something critical to who you were – who you are," I amend, "if you displace some of the emotions. And don't tell me – "

He cuts me off. "It's just what I am, Donna."

"I refuse to believe that. I knew you before. Remember." I throw my hand up in disgust. "I could talk until I'm blue in the face, I suppose. We keep coming back to this place of indecision. We haven't gotten anything done in weeks. You don't respect me anymore and where is that going to get us? You're just going on and on and I'm not even in the same race with you anymore. Maybe you're right. Maybe it doesn't get any better than this because it can't. Maybe I'm asking you to fix something that isn't broken because that's just who you are."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"That's just what you are." I try it on again for size, still having trouble believing it. "I don't agree with this, but I'm yours and I love you – for better or for worse. I'll defend you through this, I will." I don't know who I'm trying to convince.

"I know you will."

"I'm just telling you the truth about yourself."

"And I find it offensive."

"I feel like it's dangerous to try to help you, but you're dangerous to yourself."

"That's just what I am."

I still refuse to believe this, but I latch on to what I can. "That's just what you are."

_

* * *

_

Lyrics:

_That's Just What You Are – Aimee Mann_

_In our endeavor we are never seeing eye to eye  
No guts to sever so forever may we wave goodbye  
And you're always telling me that it's my turn to move  
When I wonder what could make the needle jump the groove  
I won't fall for the oldest trick in the book  
So don't sit there and think you're off of the hook  
By saying there is no use changing 'cause_

That's just what you are  
That's just what you are

Acting steady always ready to defend your fears  
What's the matter with the truth, did I offend your ears  
By suggesting that a change might be a thing to try  
Like it would kill you just to try and be a nicer guy  
It's not like you would lose some critical piece  
If somehow you moved point a to point b  
Maintaining there is no point changing 'cause

That's just what you are  
That's just what you are

Now I could talk to you till I'm blue in the face  
But we still would arrive at the very same place  
With you running around and me out of the race

So maybe you're right, nobody can take  
Something older than time and hope you could make  
It better, that would be a mistake  
So take it just so far

'cause that's just what you are  
That's just what you are  
That's just what you are

Acting steady always ready to defend your fears  
What's the matter with the truth, did I offend your ears  
You're like a sleepwalking man, it's a danger to wake you  
Even when it is apparent where your actions will take you

That's just what you are  
And that's just what you are  
That's just what you are  
That's just what you are


End file.
